Sunday, October 18, 2015

3-Headed Shark Attack, Monster Eats Babes in Bikinis

Our friends at The Asylum have always had a sense of social consciousness. Today we look at one of their most altruistic efforts, 2015's "3-Headed Shark Attack." As the world's peoples grow immune to warnings of cataclysmic events, this film reminds us of dangers more dire than global warming.  Yes...pollution!  Not just any cans thrown into the ocean are causing species to mutate, grow more heads, and become insane.  In our film today, a 100 foot shark guzzling beer cans, grows two extra heads, becomes insane, and starts feasting on women in bikinis.  Never fear....Danny Trejo is on his way with machetes and machine guns.
As our story commences, some very great looking teens are partying on an atoll.  They begin engaging in pre-marital sex and skinny dipping. guessed it, they are all then torn to shreds by the teeth of the above pictured monster. Next, Maggie (Karrueche Tran), an intern, arrives at an undersea lab to study under the voluptuous Dr. Laura Thomas (Jena Sims).  We first meet the good doctor as she strips out of her SCUBA's a shame she'll be eaten.  After Maggie and Laura bond, Earth Pact arrives.  These idiots want to save the planet, but their decision making prowess will eventually get lot's of beautiful women killed.  On cue, our monster arrives and attacks the undersea lab, killing everyone except Maggie, Laura, and Earth Pact. Our survivors come up with a brilliant game plan....leave land...swim out to a small boat...and try to outrun a mega-shark. This is where Dr.Laura is pureed.  
As our shark chases Maggie and Earth Pact, it veers off to attack a booze-cruise.  Hundreds more bikini babes are now thrown into peril, many won't fare well.  Earth Pact sends out a mayday, and Danny Trejo receives it.  Of course Trejo has a trusty machete and machine guns, but will he be on time to save Maggie (we hope so), Earth Pact (we hope not), and the bouncy gals on the booze cruise (could go either way on that one)?
This is a made for Syfy Channel film, which means you will have to tolerate some subtle imperfections....which is no different than any George Clooney or Scarlett Johansson big-budget bore-athon.  For one...Earth Pact, when fleeing the monster shark, in their boat, are never more than 100 yards from the shore..yet they never think of heading toward land.  Bad decisions lead to getting eaten, which may be the most important point of "3-Headed Shark Attack."  Available on Netflix, this is a fun one.

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