Saturday, December 16, 2017

The Case of the Scorpion's Tail, The Beautiful Die Italian Style

Lisa Leonardi, aka Annalisa Nardi, is a beautiful Italian actress who had bit parts in seven films from 1971-74. Though she has a bit part in 1971's "The Case of the Scorpion's Tail," her portrayal of an international stewardess is a perfect Italian exploitation plot device. In her most limited time on the screen, she is usually nude in a bed, fresh from the throes of pre-marital sex, or a damsel in much danger clad in a glamorous stewardess garb. The blood, gore, and sex included in her scenes is a good metaphor for the entire film.
Nude stewardess in bed
Bad news, Lisa's (Ida Galli) husband is killed when his plane explodes over the ocean. Good news, she hated him, cheated on him often, and is due to collect a million dollar policy upon his demise. Because the explosion is a suspicious event, the insurance company contracts handsome hunk Peter (George Hilton) to follow Lisa. Lisa must go to Athens to collect the money and as soon as she does she is cut up by a misogynistic psycho. Even worse, the psycho gets away with the million dollars. Now Peter must find the money and figure out who killed the sensuous Lisa. He'll have help. Agent Stanley (Alberto de Mendoza) from INTERPOL and Insp. Stavros (Luigi Pistilli) from the police are also hunting the killer, and suspect Peter.
The unfortunate Lisa
Ah, a lead! Lara (Janine Reynaud), a beautiful Greek skank, was blackmailing Lisa. Lara was the mistress and believes Lisa plotted her husband's demise. As soon as Peter and the other cops are on to her, she is sliced and diced. But wait! Peter now has a friend and ally. Reporter Cleo Dupont (Anita Strindberg) wants to help Peter solve the case, and thereby getting a scoop for her paper. Cleo is beautiful and has a lot of pre-marital sex with Peter. As Peter gets closer to finding answers, Cleo is targeted by the psycho. Oh yes...our stewardess friend. She'll be seen naked, in bed, and whoever she just had sex with might hold the key to this macabre mystery.
The unfortunate Lara
Who killed Lisa and took her million dollars? Why do the cops suspect Peter, and why is Cleo really helping him? Will our beautiful stewardess survive (...after all, this is an Italian horror film)? Experienced horror fans will guess the shocking ending to this film. Lots of beautiful damsels will die horrible deaths and the knifed victims will be a very gory display. Directed by Sergio Martino, for some neat EuroTrash exploitation/horror, see "The Case of the Scorpion's Tail."

Friday, December 15, 2017

Animus, Unresolved Horror

You're just not the same. It happened so long ago but recovery hasn't followed. Horrific and humiliating, the sordid and bloody event from your past has left literal and emotional scars that are affecting your current state.  All you want is to be whole again. An intense desire to be the charming and fun-loving being you were before it all went south. Beware! Becoming whole again may have its pitfalls. Today we take a peek at a new horror short (26 minutes) from Meosha Bean. Directed by Ms. Bean and Markisha Fernando, "Animus."
It was horrific! When you watch "Animus," you'll know what I'm talking about. Fear not, the very skillful direction by Ms. Bean and Ms. Fernando will have you imprisoned in that car just as Jasmine (Fernando) was. The abduction by a knife wielding maniac will result in a lot of blood and memories that will never go away. By the grace of God, Jasmine survives the ordeal...at least physically. Now she wrestles with the awful remembrances of what happened a year ago. Uh oh, the desire to be whole again has also made Jasmine a bit vulnerable. Her desire for recovery has her taking concrete steps to be the old Jasmine. This vulnerability and desire will...well...you'll see. Can her new beau Edward (Kenneth Dean)...and he is a real cutie...help her?
This horror tale has a poignant message. That desire to be whole again may lead us into places we shouldn't go. We take to Jasmine and want her to be all right, which only heightens the terror that unfolds for us on the screen. A+ for all involved in the making of "Animus." For a nightmarish half hour, that may speak to your own experiences and desires, see "Animus" by clicking on this link.
Animus on YouTube

Thursday, December 14, 2017

The Horrible Sexy Vampire, Tight Sweater, Short Skirt, and Boots

Ah, German women! How do we describe those frauleins? According to 1971's "The Horrible Sexy Vampire," they all wear very tight sweaters, short skirts, and alluring go-go boots. These European babes are also adept at undressing, taking showers and baths, having pre-marital sex, and slipping into see through lingerie...at least, that is what we learn from this film. As far as vampire films are concerned, without those German vixens, this could have been a pretty lame effort.
Winneger
As our film begins, a redhead and her lover check into no-tell motel for extra-marital sex. They'll both be killed by Count Winneger, the vampire. This carnage will occur after our beauty undresses and takes a bath. The cops are on the case, but when they get too close to Winneger, he will strangle them. See, every 28 years, Count Winneger comes back to life to feed on women. As another police inspector (Luis Induni) takes on the case, he traces the mystery to Winneger's old castle. Meanwhile, a couple of German barmaids, clad in tight sweaters, short skirts, and boots will be sucked dry by Winneger as they undress, take their baths or showers, await pre-marital sex with their boyfriends, and don some lingerie.
Winneger indulges
Meanwhile, Count Oblensky (Wal Davis) arrives in Germany to claim the castle. As Winneger's heir, he inherits the place and Winneger begins to communicate with him. Finally, Oblensky realizes that Winneger is back and killing these tight sweater, short skirted, clad in boots vixens. Quickly, Oblensky researches vampires and decides he must put an end to Winneger's wrath.  Uh oh! Oblensky's main squeeze, Susan (Susan Carvasal) arrives from London to have lots of pre-marital sex with him. Double uh oh, this very pretty blonde is wearing a tight sweater, a short leather skirt, and boots. Because she is naked a lot, and likes to have pre-marital sex, Winneger sets out to make this nubile fraulein his bride.
Susan takes a bath
Will Oblensky figure out how to kill Winneger? Is the perky tight sweater, short skirted, and booted Susan too pretty to die?  Is this Spanish film, shot in Germany, a mere statement of condemnation against promiscuous and scantily clad women? Also known as "El Vampiro de la Autopista," "The Horrible Sexy Vampire" would be a horrible film without the very alluring female victims, who indeed put on a show.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

The Psychopath, Italian Horror from the UK

Everything about this film exudes Italian horror. A weird and twisted psychopath and some sultry damsels in much distress (not all will survive) are pulled out of the plot lines of these erotic scary tales from Italy. But wait! This one is from England. From 1966, we take a peek at "The Psychopath." Consistent with Italian horror, everyone is a suspect in this film...and every beautiful woman seems doomed to be gutted.
Inspector Holloway
Some weird murders are occurring in England. The corpses are found, usually mangled, and a doll with their likeness nearby. The gruff Inspector Holloway (Patrick Wymark) is on the case. Ah, the victims seem to be connected. They were all members of an allied war crime commission that prosecuted some Nazi named Von Sturm. Von Sturm's estate in Germany was then seized. Uh oh, Von Sturm's wife (Margaret Johnston) and eerie son Mark (John Standing) now live in England and Mrs. Von Sturm collects, and talks to dolls. Members of the commission continue dying and now anyone who may have an idea about the case also assumes room temperature. In a heartbreaking plot device, the sultry Gina (Gina Gianelli), who works at a doll shop, is gutted in an alley, and a doll with her likeness is found nearby.
Oh no! Not Gina!
As Holloway pursues both Von Sturms', he becomes a target of the psycho. Uh oh...could someone else be doing the murders? The lovely Lousie (Judy Huxtable) has a fiance with lots of debt. Louise's dad was on the war crimes commission. Now she may be a target, and her fiance now has a motive as Louise's dad hated him. As we get more insight into Mrs. Von Sturm, she is indeed angry at the commission's findings and buys many doll bodies from the store Gina worked, and is adept at making dolls, which she considers part of her family. Is this too easy?
Louise meets the dolls
This mystery/horror whodunit is a lot of fun, and Patrick Wymark is fantastic as the driven detective. In Italian horror fashion, will the lovely Louise follow Gina's example, and die horribly? Are the Von Sturms' responsible for the carnage, given they have the best motive? The answer to the mystery is secondary to the extreme creepiness of the conclusion which goes way beyond merely identifying the killer. For some alluring horror, catch "The Psychopath," directed by Freddie Francis.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Extinction, Burn Notice in Winter

I usually avoid TV shows, but I do admit that I had a fondness for "Burn Notice." Jeffrey Donovan played the hero, disgraced secret agent Michael Westen. Fans of that show will also remember Bruce Campbell and Gabrielle Anwar rounding out a very dynamic and entertaining trio. So where does Mr. Donovan go after the show ends? The zombie apocalypse! I know, the mention of the phrase 'zombie apocalypse' draws a yawn from us.  However, 2015's "Extinction," though keeping many of the pitfalls that ruin modern zombie apocalypse films, does have some interesting and visually appealing elements.
Nine years previous the world ends. Zombies! Jack (Donovan) survives with his nine year old daughter, Lu (Quinn McColgan). Also surviving is Jack's former best friend Patrick (Matthew Fox). Former is the key word.  Something happened at the apocalypse which spurred an intense hatred by Jack toward Patrick. Don't worry, a back story will fill in the blanks. Now Patrick and Lou live in their fortified compound/house, and wouldn't you know it, Patrick lives next door. With no signs of life, this uneasy trio live in a frigid, snow-covered wasteland where no man or monster tread. Patrick is determined to reach more survivors on his shortwave radio, while Patrick home-schools Lu.
Years have past since monsters have been seen and Jack believes they are all dead. Oh yes, those zombies of nine years ago? They evolved into grotesque, super-human monsters. Bad news...while foraging for food, Patrick barely survives a monster attack. Not only are the monsters still around, they now know where the trio live.  Indications are that the creatures are coming and Patrick wants to flee. Unfortunately, his status with Jack is still in the dumpster, and Jack and Lu intend to stay put. A final war will take place, but not before some tense moments between Jack and Patrick...and more monsters.
Are Jack, Patrick, and Lu the only three survivors of the zombie apocalypse? What did Patrick do to Jack that inspired this intense hatred? Just how clever have these monsters become in the nine years since the apocalypse? One of the best aspects of "Extinction" are the snowy sets and desolate city wastelands in which Patrick and Jack forage in.  Some critics may argue that much of this film is unrealistic, but then again, what about zombie apocalypses are realistic? Shot in Budapest, Hungary, enjoy "Extinction," especially as "The Walking Dead" continues its painful decline.

Friday, December 8, 2017

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism, Nubile Virgins Sacrificed

Karin Dor was the first German Bond Girl when she appeared in 1967's "You Only Live Twice." That same year, she played the nubile virgin with impressive and lively cleavage in "The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism." Her attractiveness blows Christopher Lee's performance away in this German made Gothic horror film. Also, this German film comes very close to mirroring the style of the horror films made by Hammer.
Count Regula (Lee) is drawn and quartered for murdering 12 beautiful virgins. He was caught before he could torture to death the 13th. Unfortunately for Regula, if he had succeeded, he would have been granted eternal life by the devil. 35 years later, Lilian (Dor), the descendant of the 13th virgin is summoned to Regula's castle. Also summoned is Roger (Lex Barker), a descendant to the magistrate that sentenced Regula to death. Unbeknownst to these two, who will of course fall in love, Regula is no longer in the grave and is eager to pick up where he left off 35 years ago.
As Roger and Lilian journey through a dark forest, with corpses hanging from trees, they both realize their pasts are intertwined. Babette (Christiane Rucker) is Lilian's buxom servant, and she is also along for the ride. Uh oh, Lilian and Roger are immediately hounded and harassed by Regula's undead servant Anatol (Carl Lange). Babette is strung up in torture devices and the two lovebirds discover a dozen dead beaties who have been tortured to death. As Regula returns, he begins his quest to make Lilian the 13th virgin. But get this! It is not enough to just murder Lilian, she needs to die in the throes of extreme horror. As Anatol separates Roger from his new love, Regula begins his quest to frighten Lilian to death in order to receive eternal life.
Can square-jawed Roger save the sultry Lilian? Is the buxom, blonde Babette a virgin? Just how does Regula plan to scare Lilian to death? Lots of torture device carnage, snake-pits, and buzzards picking apart corpses will enhance this Gothic tale. This is a good re-imagining of Poe's "The Pit and the Pendulum," and the beautiful Karin Dor makes this film so worthwhile. For some almost-Hammer horror, see "The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism," directed by Ms. Dor's husband, Harald Reinl. 

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Tomb of Torture, Gothic Horror from Italy

An old haunted castle!  Ghosts!  Deformed ghouls! A torture chamber!  A pretty damsel in much distress!  From Italy, today we take a look at 1963's "Tomb of Torture." Perhaps a pretty standard tale of ghosts and possession, but that doesn't mean this film doesn't work. Spooky and atmospheric, this movie will please horror fans.
Countess Irene (Annie Alberti) mysteriously disappeared 20 years ago. Uh oh, Anna (also Annie Alberti) is a spitting image of this beauty and also has weird dreams suggesting she is Irene's reincarnate.  Anna's dad (Adriano Micontoni) is worried about Anna's preoccupation with an unrelated, long missing countess, and decides to bring Anna to the castle to help cure her. This doesn't work. Living at the castle is Irene's weird sister, Elizabeth (Flora Carosello). Homicidal antics permeate this old castle as the film begins when two nubile Italian babes trespass into the castle, are captured by a weird ghoul, strung up in various states of undress and tortured to death in a secret chamber.  Will this ultimately be Anna's fate?
Anna's dreams of Irene continue and now she is even seeing Irene's ghost. To take her mind off this eerie circumstance, Anna goes skinny dipping...as we all would, I'm sure. While naked, reporter George (Marco Mariani) comes across her and falls in love with her. Anna also falls in love with George, so sweet. George is trying to investigate the death of the two aforementioned beauties and has linked the carnage to the castle. Oh yes, Elizabeth is not happy to see Anna arrive and wants her out of the picture. Of course, this all leads to a mysterious force leading Anna to the castle and the torture chamber.
What happened to Countess Irene, and why is Elizabeth so hostile to Anna? What secrets does the hidden torture chamber hold, and why were the two babes strung up there?  Will Anna also end up strung up in that chamber, and will her fate differ from the two beauties who have assumed room temperature?  This is an eerie damsel in much distress ghost story, directed by Antonio Boccaci. For some frivolous fun that includes babes being tortured, ghosts, and skinny dipping, see "Tomb of Torture."   

Monday, December 4, 2017

House of Blood, Vampire Monsters vs. Convicts

In the age old battle between vampire monsters and convicts, the vampire fiends will win again. No surprise there, but in 2006's "House of Blood" (aka "Chain Reaction") this conflict isn't really what the film is about. Too bad, the real story is hardly as dramatic. Don't fret, this film is still a worthwhile take. Whatever the themes and plot of this work are, the appeal of "House of Blood" is some great gore.  Decapitations, severed limbs, internal organs pulled out, and some amputations will warm your heart. Oh yes, one more point of introduction. Critics pan this film because of the acting. I guess that's fair, but keep in mind, this film was made in Austria with Austrians trying to act like hardened American criminals.
A doctor is in a head on collision with a prison bus. In the ensuing carnage, four prisoners dis-arm the guards, execute them in gory fashion, and take Dr. Madsen (Christopher Kriesa) hostage. The four psychos tell the doctor that they will let him live if he keeps a wounded prisoner, Spence (Luca Maric) alive. Madsen agrees but lets the gang leader, Arthur (Simon Newby) know that Spence's arm needs to be amputated. The four, plus the doctor, head toward the Canadian border and find a weird house in the wilderness.
Now, more fun begins. Yep, the convicts invade the house and find eight really weird people. The doctor enlists the help of Alice (Martina Ittenbach) to amputate Spence's arm. After the residents eat the severed arm, Arthur goes crazy and the convicts execute the residents. The peeps don't stay dead and return to life as vampires and pull off the heads and rip out the internal organs of the convicts, and Alice helps Madsen escape. Guess what! We aren't even half way through the film. What follows is more of the same and a hint that the doctor may have some connection to the house and the monsters inside. More decapitations and people being ripped apart, and oh yes...more amputations await.
What is the doctor's connection to the monsters? Why is vampire-monster Alice so eager to save the doctor? Does this film represent Austria's far right movement's ideas for criminal justice? Gory and interesting, this film has a lot of detractors. As far as the assertion that the acting is horrible in this film...well...the acting here is better than any effort given by Megan Fox or Ben Affleck. For some great gore and mean vampire fiends, check out "House of Blood" (directed by Olaf Ittenbach).

Saturday, December 2, 2017

The Villainess, Hot Asian Chick Wipes Out Korea

Hot Asian chick, clad in a leather jacket and some kinda attitude, using a semi-automatic pistol, a knife, and a rope, kills 54 South Koreans...in the first seven minutes of this film. Merry Christmas! From 2017 we take a peek "The Villainess." A love story, really. Don't fret, if you thought that opening scene was cool, the closing scene is similar, except an axe instead of a gun, and a leather body suit instead of just a jacket.
Sook-hee (Ok-bin Kim) is an assassin. From the aforementioned opening scene, we see that she is a really good one. Uh oh, after that carnage she is arrested as a mess of cops arrive...or are they cops? They aren't! Nope, they are from The Agency. Who is The Agency?! They break her like a cowboy does a bronco and then fine tune her. Sook-hee is taught to act, cook, sew, and even has a child. Now she's ready. The Agency will implant her in society as a single mom, actress. Once a week or so she will be asked to assassinate various peeps who probably deserve what they get.
Sook-hee is very valuable to The Agency and they send in their best man, Joong-rang (Ha-kyun Shin) to fall in love with her and marry her. The vulnerable killer falls for this and has no clue her new beau is also a trained assassin working for The Agency. Uh oh...Joon-rang really does fall for her. They do make a cute couple even though Sook-hee has to fake going to the restroom all the time in order to assassinate various schmucks. I have not mentioned the back story, and I won't, but it bubbles up in this story and threatens Sook-hee's new life as a wife and mother. Explosions, gunfights, knife-fights, and bloody car chases then take center stage as we are left questioning just who are the bad guys.
I know this all sounds kind of confusing, but I really didn't want to deliver too many spoilers by giving more of the plot. This is a wild one and the final scene is an orgasmic voyage into carnage and bloody revenge. Our sultry villainess (or should I say heroine?) will kill about a hundred Koreans before the final credits roll. The blood will spurt, severed limbs will fly, and lots of stuff will be blown up in the heartwarming tale of romance and death. For a tender Christmas film, watch "The Villainess," directed by Byung-gil Jung.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Malafafone, Vanity and Vegetables

It must be true, it was on the internet! Whenever I'm stumped at a question, my advice is always the same, "pick up the iPad and look it up." Want to build a nuclear power plant in your backyard? Go to YouTube or Google, it'll show you how. Want to cook some roadkill? Pick up your Tablet and look up a good recipe. Want to look beautiful for a big date? Yep...you guessed it. Of course believing everything you see on the internet could lead to horrific results...or comedic results. Today we look at a short horror/comedy film (2 minutes) written and directed by Jono Freedrix, "Malafafone."
So cute! A lovely young lady (Lesley Shannon) has a big date tonight with a guy (Andy Baldeschwiler) she is crazy about. Bless her soul, she is taking great pains to look her best...and we know the beau will appreciate it. Uh oh...according to her device, there is one more fool proof way to look your best. What follows is...well...you'll see.
Funny and irreverent, "Malafafone" will make you laugh. A slightly deeper examination of the plot may have you a bit creeped out, though. No spoilers here, but I will say my friend Alan Rowe Kelly does a bang up job on the make-up and special f/x. If we want to get even deeper, I dare say that this short film is very poignant in today's America as we are seeing the level of misogyny rampant in the world of young professional women.
If you'd like to see this 2 minute horror comedy, click on this link Malafafone
For inquiries, email jonathan@thevirtualstage.org or dani@integralartists.com



Thursday, November 30, 2017

Black Scorpion, Dominatrix Superheroine

When "Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling" (G.L.O.W.) ended its run, late night UHF had a void to fill on Saturday nights. Enter a Roger Corman creation, "Black Scorpion." After all, what better subject matter to replace lingerie clad beauties cat-fighting in a ring than a superheroine clad in hooker-boots, a leather leotard (covering very little of the posterior), a mask, a whip, and fishnet stockings? The TV show, catering to GLOW fans also had two straight to VHS movies. Today we look at one of those films, 1995's "Black Scorpion."
Darcy (Joan Severance) is an undercover vice cop clad in a black leather dominatrix outfit. Her partner Russo (Bruce Abbott) always has her...er...back. Her sting goes awry and she is suspended. That night she joins her dad (a disgraced ex-cop) for a drink when the district attorney walks in and murders her dad for no apparent reason. Now, really depressed, Darcy decides to become a superhero. Out of her dominatrix outfit, she crafts her Black Scorpion (the one mentioned above) costume and sets out to dispatch criminals. With whip and boots in action, she takes down pimps, muggers, and other miscreants.
The cops are eager to catch this sultry vigilante and after two female wrestlers beat the snot out of our heroine, Russo jumps her on a rooftop. Darcy/Black Scorpion has always wanted pre-marital sex with Russo and gives him a very sensuous kiss before escaping. Not knowing Darcy is Black Scorpion, Russo takes her on a date. Darcy tries to seduce Russo, but Russo confesses he can't get Black Scorpion out of his mind. Darcy also stumbles on a monster billionaire who is getting ready to poison Los Angeles. Now Darcy needs to find a way to get Russo to forget about Black Scorpion so she can have pre-marital sex with him. Also, Darcy must have a rematch with the women wrestlers who destroyed her earlier in order to get at the fiend who will poison the city.
Black Scorpion is quite seductive and her pre-marital sex scene with Russo is quite steamy. Will Black Scorpion win her rematch with the two femme wrestlers? Will Russo choose Darcy or Black Scorpion as a sex partner?  What connection does the fiend who wishes to poison Los Angeles have with Darcy's past? Is the lack of black leather dominatrix outfits in today's superhero films the reason that they are so dull?  "Black Scorpion" is a lot of fun and the costumed beauty is on the screen a lot. For some frivolous UHF style sexploitation, take a peek at "Black Scorpion." 

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

The Great American Snuff Film, Don't Watch

Again we take a peek at a film with no redeeming qualities. At least, that is what most people will say. It would be so easy to pan this film and express disgust that it was even made. I guess we have done that with "Jupiter Ascending" and "Solaris," but this one is different. Even if you like this film, you won't be able to admit it. Gritty, dark, no humor, ominous, gratuitous, and sadistic...where do you go from there? Yep...YouTube! Today we look at 2004's "The Great American Snuff Film."
William Grone (Mike Marsh) is a serial killer. Don't worry, you'll be let in on his backstory. His buddy Roy (Ryan Hutman) is another homicidal lunatic who lives and works at a spacious junkyard in the Arizona desert. The two maniacs are into the most extreme porn they can find and decide to make a snuff film. Enter Patti (Melinda Lorenz) and Sarah (Holi Tavernier). While camping in the desert, Roy and William invade their party, execute their boyfriend and abduct the two beauties. With a Super 8 camera handy the men torture, sexually assault, and humiliate the women.
Both women will spend most of their on camera time bound with duct tape. The two misogynists inflict constant mental and physical torture on their prey. Sarah and Patti are smart and are always conspiring of ways to escape. William and Roy are evil, and unfortunately for the ladies, the lunatics are always a step or two ahead of them. William narrates the story and everything we see is from his point of view. If you haven't figured it out yet, this film will end with lots of carnage.
Do Sarah and Patti have any prayer of escape? Does what Roy and William do to these women actually happen in the real world? Just how depraved and low can a film be? Okay...I'm done criticizing. Someone has to say it. This is a fine film and the misogyny portrayed may be real, and at very least a good metaphor for the plight of women in the film industry. Difficult to watch and heartbreaking, "The Great American Snuff Film" (directed by Sean Tretta) is strictly for very hardcore horror fans.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Insane, Psycho from Sweden

A rundown hotel that hasn't seen a guest since the highway was moved. The owner, a weird guy with mother issues. A beautiful female guest with secrets. No, not the classic Alfred Hitchcock film, but 2010's "Insane." Filmed in Sweden and starring Swedish actors and actresses, this work gives us a glimpse as to what Swedes think of us Americans, as the film is set in the U.S. From this film it appears that Swedes believe Americans are violent psychos. To be fair, in a country of 300 million citizens, at least 50 million of us are fairly sane.
The Swedish Norman Bates
As our story begins, a beautiful Swede (Sanna Messo), playing a beautiful American, is the only guest at the creepy Bridgeburn Hotel. Over the next four minutes, she will be stalked by a gas-mask clad killer and her death will be quite memorable. Jenny (Alida Morberg) checks in next. This nubile babe will befriend the polished but creepy hotel owner, David (Lars Bethke). The two will flirt and even dine together. So sad, the nubile Swede...I mean American babe will suffer a similar fate as the aforementioned bather. We suspect David, though there is doubt that he is in fact the killer.
The unfortunate bather
Again, a beautiful Swede...I mean American babe, Sarah (Johanna Leamo) checks in as the hotel's sole guest. She has a mission. You see, Jenny was Sarah's sister, and Sarah is looking for her. As Sarah gets to know the creepy David, and explores the hotel, her findings will be horrific. When Sarah calls in her boyfriend John (David Lenneman) to help, David is offended. John and Sarah will take a break from looking for Jenny in order to have pre-marital sex. This ticks off David, probably because of his mommy issues (...which you will learn of through flashbacks). The killings continue and some of them are quite gory. In fact all of the kills are very well shot and bloody. Now Sarah and John are pursued by the gas-mask guy. Uh oh...some surprises await Sarah from very unexpected sources.
Is that David?
What will become of Sarah and John? Is David the killer, could he be the gas-mask guy? What secrets does this hotel hold that may explain all the dead babes? Did Swedes set this tale in the United States to take focus off their overburdened social welfare system? Yeah, like that makes sense. For a sometimes quirky, very gory, and sometimes awkward slasher film, enjoy Sweden's "Insane."

Friday, November 24, 2017

Bluebeard, The Best Colonoscopy Movie Ever

If you are over 50...get a colonoscopy. Yep, this is an effective procedure to minimize the risks of obtaining colon cancer. This procedure is painless and usually paid in full by most major insurance providers. Whether you are male or female, white collar or blue collar, Republican or Democrat, cannibal or serial killer, getting a colonoscopy might save your life. Hence today's feature, from South Korea...2017's "Bluebeard."
Dr. Byun and his nurse Mi-yeon
Dr. Byun (Jin-woong Jo) performs colonoscopies at a country clinic. He has a sultry nurse, Mi-yeon (Chung-ah Lee) and she is pretty hot for him. He's a dork and has no clue. The patients, under anesthesia, sometimes utter very private words. Dr. Byun is used to this, but when an old butcher, who is also his landlord, is under, the guy starts describing how to cut up a human body and mar it so the cops can never identify it. He also describes where to stash the body parts. A week or two later, Dr. Byun hears newscasts that explain the cops have found body parts and a headless torso in a place described by the butcher. Now Dr. Byun turns amateur detective, but not a very good one.
Dr. Byun tussles with the butcher
The butcher and his family are onto him and Dr. Byun is scared. The butcher and his son both have ex-wives who have gone missing. Uh oh, Soo jung (Yoon Se-Ah), the beautiful ex-wife of Dr. Byun, goes missing shortly after she visits the dorky doctor's apartment.  As the film progresses, the missing women all seem to be women in Dr. Byun's life, including his sultry nurse.  Twists abound, and we begin to entertain the theory that maybe the butcher family is innocent and Dr. Byun may be the serial killer.
Will Mi-yeon survive or be dissected?
Decapitated heads, headless torsos, and human innards will all be thrown at you. This mystery/horror tale gets more complicated as each chick goes missing. Are the butchers the killers, or is it Dr. Byun? What of the sultry nurse, Mi-yeon...is she dead, or is there something more to her character? As the cops close in, will they take the butchers or Dr. Byun (...or a third option) away in handcuffs? Directed by Soo-youn Lee, "Bluebeard" is the best colonoscopy film of 2017. Enjoy, and go get a colonoscopy, it could save your life.

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Robot Holocaust, Hunks and Babes in the Apocalyptic Wasteland

Ah the apocalyptic wastelands portrayed by 1980s cinema. True, radiation scarred mutants and toothy worm creatures abound, but so do scantily clad hunks and vixens. The hysteria of the anti-nuclear groups preaching that President Reagan would destroy the world with nukes inspired some nifty films. The nuclear holocaust didn't occur, and those groups went away as donations dried up, but those aforementioned films are still with us. Alas, we look at 1986's "Robot Holocaust."
Society is gone, ruined by the robot rebellion of 2033. The fiends released radiation that polluted the atmosphere killing all humans. The robots kept some alive as they needed slaves to supply the power station. Kept alive by bursts of air, supplied by the power station, some mutant humans were born, able to breathe in even the most poisoned atmosphere. Hence Neo (Norris Culf), who comes to town seeking to overthrow the Dark One. The Dark One? The evil force that rules the power station and robots. He meets Deeja (Nadine Hart), a rebel who, with her dad, has developed a device which will enable all to breathe.
As Neo and the very sultry Deeja head to the power station, they must navigate through a dangerous wasteland. First they will meet a tribe of psycho babes. Here they will enlist the voluptuous and scantily clad Nyla (Jennifer Delora). Now our small band of rebels heads to the power station. Onto their every move, The Dark One's femme fatale Valaria (Angelika Jager) intends to ambush them. Valaria enjoys satisfying herself in the Dark One's pleasure machine and looks really good in her sleek, black outfits. Battling mutant and hungry worms and other assorted creatures (including a yucky spider-thing), our rebels reach the gate of the power station where Valaria and the Dark One have some bloody surprises waiting.
Will Valaria have a cat-fight with the shapely Deeja? Does hunk Neo have what it takes to overthrow the Dark One, or is he all brawn and no brains?  How do Valeria, Deeja, and Nyla exist in an apocalyptic wasteland with perfectly applied make-up and frizzy 'Charley's Angels" type hair-dos? The B movie acting is classic and a lot of mutant creatures keep "Robot Holocaust" entertaining. Directed by Tim Kincaid, this film has the feel of Italian exploitation, even though it was made in New York City.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Pig Hunt, Oink Oink...Chomp Chomp

When you wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty...but the pig likes it. Thus is the sad plight of a bunch of wild boar hunters in today's film, 2008's "Pig Hunt." Actually, these hunters won't just get dirty. They'll also be gutted, decapitated, hunted, and eaten. The antagonist? A 3200 pound boar called "The Ripper." This very ominous and dark film probably has a lot of messages about the futility of war and man's inhumanity to man, but we'll appropriately ignore them.
Feuding hunters
As the film begins a hunter is gutted and eaten by a 3200 pound boar. Next two beautiful, semi-nude hippie babes have their horse eaten by the same boar. Related events? Oh yes. John (Travis Aaron Wade), an anti-war sort is going boar hunting with his very pro-war pals. John's girlfriend, Brooks (Tina Huang) will tag along to the dismay of John's pals. In John's defense, she is really pretty, looks great in intimate undergarments and has a sensual bias for pre-marital sex. This hunting party has competition. A weird hippie commune featuring a machete wielding priest-guy and nude babes looms in the woods. Also, a psycho redneck family with a hatred for John also hunts pigs.
Nubile hippie babes caress a hunter
Early in the hunt it is apparent that man appears to be man's worst enemy. Then the boar strikes. It is big and has a family. Meanwhile, Brooks gives us some nice underwear and babe holding rifle shots. Uh oh, because of some bloody events, the rednecks begin hunting John's group. Double uh oh, the weird commune, featuring lots of naked babes who bathe each other a lot may have a weird connection to the tusked monster. As hunters are gutted, eaten, and shot, John and Brooks will come face to face with, not only the boar, but the evil that feeds its wrath.
Brooks comes face-to-face with monster
Will the sultry Brooks come face to face with the monster? Will John's anti-war views give way to violence now that he is at war with rednecks, a hippie commune, and a 3200 pound boar? Does Brooks have a useful talent for the occasion, other than looking really good in intimate undies and a proclivity toward pre-marital sex? Directed by James Isaac, "Pig Hunt" is an ominous and very gory man versus nature film. Ignore the messages and enjoy the monster, gore, and eye-candy this film provides.

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Dracula vs. Frankenstein, Vampire Wimp

Bela Lugosi versus Boris Karloff? Not quite. In fact, our Count Dracula today looks more like Arnold Horseshack from "Welcome Back Kotter." How about the Frankenstein monster? He looks like Hal Holbrook sucking a lemon. Don't fret, we have a good one today, 1971's "Dracula vs. Frankenstein." This Al Adamson classic has a couple things going for it. First, whenever the plot begins to drag, a decapitation jumps at you out of nowhere. Second, the very buxom, nubile, and trashy damsel in distress Judith Fontaine (Regina Carrol). As heads fly though the air and so does Judith's cleavage, our film today will satisfy all you B movie fans.
The buxom, nubile and trashy Judith, Vegas entertainer
The plot? Not important, and hard to grasp, but here is my humble interpretation. The lovely Joan (Maria Lease) is decapitated on the beach underneath a carnival's Emporium of Creatures house. The buxom, nubile, and trashy Vegas entertainer, Judith Fontaine heads to the California beach to look for her missing sister, Joan. Uh oh, the creature house is run by Dr. Frankenstein (J. Carrol Nash) who sends his henchman, Groton (Lon Chaney, Jr.) out to decapitate hippies and steal their nubile babes. Dr. Frankenstein seeks to create an army of monsters which he surgically creates out of dead people. Uh oh, Dracula (Zandor Vorkov) pays him a visit.
Dracula selects his bride
Dracula has found the original Frankenstein monster (Shelly Weiss) and teams up with the mad doctor. Now Groton and the creature both set out to capture nubile hippie babes and kill their boyfriends. Judith starts snooping and joins forces with a hippie know-it-all named Mike (Anthony Eisley). He is an arrogant sort but Judith and her cleavage still has pre-marital sex with him in the surf. The two figure things out and head over to Dr. F's creature emporium where more decapitations will occur and a maniac midget will get an ax in the face. Dracula gets a view of Judith's cleavage and of course wants her for his bride and he charges the Frankenstein creature to abduct her.
Judith in a predicament
Will Judith ever make it back to Vegas with her cleavage intact?  Wouldn't Frankenstein's army of the undead be more potent if it was made up of vigorous, virile, and potent young men instead of nubile hippie babes? Will Dracula team up with the rest of the sweathogs and continue to misbehave? This is a fun one, and if you like lots of cheesecake and B movie zaniness, have a look at "Dracula vs. Frankenstein."

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep, When Calamari Attacks

The lovely Kristi Angus is one of my favorite actresses. As far as horror in the 21st century goes, she has endured two of the most excruciating demises. In 2001's  Jason X she had her face frozen and knocked off. Five years later, playing a marine biologist intern. she is grabbed off a boat and feasted on by a giant squid. Wow! That's how I want to go. Today we take a peek at a film I first saw on the Syfy channel, 2006's "Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep."
Nicole and Jenny
25 years ago Ray (Charlie O'Connell) watched his mom and dad pulled off their sailboat and get digested by a kraken. Present day, the very stunning Nicole (Victoria Pratt), a marine anthropologist, and her two nymphomaniac interns Jenny (Angus) and Michael (Cory Monteith) are searching for an ancient Greek mask. During the search, their skipper is eaten by the beast. A grown up Ray hears of this and arrives, determined to find the killer of his parents. Nicole and Ray display a nice sexual chemistry and immediately make goo-goo eyes at each other.  The quartet finds the mask, but this isn't necessarily a cause to celebrate.  Maxwell (Jack Scalia), an evil mafia type henchman, wants the precious heirloom, and will not stop at homicide to get it.
The kraken feasts
As Nicole and Ray make even more intense goo-goo eyes at each other, Maxwell's efforts to steal the mask get more violent.  Meanwhile the beast squid continues eating people. Uh oh, Nicole comes up with a crazy theory (typical for marine anthropologists). She believes the monster is guarding the ancient Greek treasure from human divers.  As Maxwell and his henchmen make a move for Nicole, not everyone will survive. In addition to homicidal gangsters, the kraken also converges on Nicole's treasure hunting efforts, which will spell doom for the perky and nubile Jenny (so sad!). As the squid gets fatter and Nicole's team decreases in size, can Ray help her kill the squid and recover the spoils of the Trojans from the inky depths of the ocean?
Ray vs. Kraken
Ray, Nicole, and Jenny are incredibly attractive characters and fans will appreciate the eye-candy. The acting is also good and the interplay between Ray and Nicole, and then Jenny and Michael is fantastic and witty. Oh yes, the squid. The tentacled menace is terrifying and it's kills are bloody. I have never seen Victoria Pratt turn in a less than stellar performance (see my review of Mongolian Death Worm ). For some beastly horror, hot heroines, and a witty hero enjoy "Kraken: Tentacles of the Deep."